To anyone who is hurting due to miscarriage or infant loss...
Here is my story of miscarriage. I share it in hopes that something within my story might be of some comfort to you.
When my husband, James, and I experienced a miscarriage over 20 years ago now, it was a very lonely time. I remember feeling so helpless. No one knew what to say and no one seemed to understand our need to mourn this child. I felt that no one could relate to our pain.
I remember sitting in my porch swing feeling such a need to hold the baby and rock him and tell him I love him. So I started to write this song, “Heaven’s Child”.
I wish your mom and dad could hold you
and your sister and brother could play with you
but someday, I know that we’ll be there with you
‘Til then
Your grandma will rock you
and your grandpas will play with you
and Abba-Father promised He’d take care of you
No tears in heaven
No pain in heaven
Only joy in heaven
My heaven’s child
There’s peace in heaven
And rest in heaven
You’re with Jesus in heaven
My Heaven’s Child
And Abba-Father promised He’d take care of you
© 1994 by Deanna Arnold
During the days that followed our miscarriage, I felt such a need to know why this had happened. Although unplanned, we had accepted this child as a gift from God and looked forward with anticipation to his arrival. Our daughter read to him, and she and her brother both bonded with him. Then, when we experienced this miscarriage, we had a hard time understanding why God would send a baby just to leave us in such a way. It was very difficult.
We wanted to name him. I say him, not because the doctor told me it was a boy, but because I just knew it in my spirit. I have a picture of him in my mind, as I did then, playing at the age of about 18 months. He has green eyes and light brown curly hair. That image of him gives me comfort. Music has always been a big part of our lives. We chose the name Gabriel because we wanted to give him the gift of music as a part of us to take with him. Whenever I prayed for him, however, the name Benjamin was always in my mind, so I felt God had named him Benjamin. We decided that his full name should be Benjamin Gabriel Arnold.
I searched the scriptures for some relation to Benjamin, thinking this may be God’s way of telling me why this had happened. What I found instead was God’s way of letting me know Benjamin was all right.
“About Benjamin he said: Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him. For He shields him all day long. And the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.” Deuteronomy 33:12 (NIV)Now the image of the lamb, especially the picture of Jesus carrying the lamb on his shoulders, is special to me. It reminds me that Benjamin is loved and nurtured by Jesus, himself. We love the woods, and so I asked James to bury him there. We bought a statue of a lamb to mark the grave, but we decided instead to keep it in our flower garden, close to the house.
We visited the Precious Moments Chapel not long after the miscarriage. It’s very beautiful and God really ministered to me there. There’s a room there with several stained glass windows to illustrate the 23rd Psalm. This picture has a little curly-haired boy with lambs as his pets. He looks so peaceful and protected. God used this illustration to remind me of the beauty of heaven and that all of our needs are met there. My favorite piece of art, though, was the artist’s interpretation of Hallelujah Square. It shows new people arriving, being greeted by those who’ve gone on before. Among those arriving is a couple. They’re being greeted by a happy baby, crawling toward them in diapers. It reminds me of the joy that awaits when we see our baby, Benjamin, in heaven someday.
I always believed that for some reason, God had a job in heaven for baby Benjamin to do… something to do with helping children on earth, and something to do with intercession. But I still longed for a way to “walk this earth” with my son, and I searched for ways to connect with Benjamin Gabriel.
I was blessed with the opportunity to create a program called Gabriel’s Song, which provides musical instruments and music lessons to children in foster care. As foster/adoptive parents, we have found that music can be very healing in the life of a hurting child. Gabriel and I, together, get to help these children in the name of Christ.
Since that sad time when we miscarried our precious baby years ago, I’ve realized that I did, indeed, hold Benjamin (in my womb), and I did rock him (in my porch swing) and I did tell him I love him (by my words and thoughts) while I carried him those few short 10 weeks. I trust that he knows I love him because I believe that those in heaven are able to know and see things about us that our minds can’t yet understand. I didn’t get to see Benjamin take his first steps, play baseball or graduate high school, but I did get to watch him bless children with musical instruments and lessons that would help to heal their hurting hearts.
My faith in God, and the small glimpses of God’s side of this story, were the things that best helped me through the most painful part of losing Benjamin. It is not possible for me to yet understand why we had a miscarriage, but I try to not question any more. I know that someday I will fully understand and that I will be so thankful that God allowed James and I to parent a “Heaven’s Child” who was so important to God’s plan that he was born in heaven rather than on earth.
To those of you who are still in the worst part of the pain of such loss, I hope that you will soon find peace. None of us, even those who have experienced similar loss, understand fully what you are going through, but we understand the pain of loss. There IS one who fully undersands, though. His name is Jesus, and he died to carry the pain you're now feeling. Try to give Him the pain today...even if you have to do it over again tomorrow and every day after. He loves you and He loves the child you have lost.
The Pregnancy and Infant Loss tab on this blog contains resources to help you along the journey. You are not alone.
